Today my bestest friend in the whole wide world died… and it hurts like hell.
My cat died today and even though I knew this day would come, it still feels like it’s come too soon. He was old and he had a tumor, but he still seemed to be enjoying his old day. When we heard, little over a month ago, that he would have a couple of weeks left, at best, we decided to make those last weeks the best weeks he ever had. We decided, as a family, that if he was in pain, we’d end it. We felt there was no need to see him suffer.
But for over a month he didn’t seem to have any trouble living life. Sure he had lost a lot of weight, but that was because of his age and the defuncts that come with growing old. He had his ups and downs, but we pampered him as best we could. Gave him everything he liked. Chicken, beef, pork, salmon, if he wanted it, he got it. Yeah, people called me crazy for feeding him grade-a meat, but it’s my cat, and my cat gets the best there is out there. We weren’t going to deny him anything.
Now the thing is, I don’t live with my parents, so I decided to go to my parents’ house every day when they were at work to cuddle him, or give him something tasty to eat, or just to be around him. After all, we were living on borrowed time.
So in these last couple of weeks a routine began to form. I’d come in, take a peek, call his name, just to see him lift his little head and look at me. I’d walk into the kitchen and I knew that he’d be standing behind me, expecting me to give him something delicious. I’d talk to him, and I’d pretend he listened to what I was saying, and all was well. It was easy, it felt safe, it felt like we’d still have years to spend together.
Today, or actually yesterday by the time I’ve finished typing this up, things were different. I stepped through the door, called his name, but he didn’t look up. I called him again, thinking he was just being lazy, but nothing. Walked into the kitchen, talking about making him something to eat, but he wasn’t there when I closed the fridge.
I went over with a slice of ham in my hand, dangled it in front of his nose, but he didn’t sniff it, he didn’t even eat it. Now this isn’t all that odd, he has days when he doesn’t like ham, he wants beef, chicken, or maybe even salmon. This time it was different. He wasn’t acting like himself. He didn’t respond to anything I said or anything I did. I went back into the kitchen to get him some catmilk, and when I came back I saw him standing in the hallway, but he was just standing there. Not so much confused as he seemed too tired to do anything. He walked back to the spot he claimed a couple of months ago and he decided to just lie down.
I called my parents, still at work, and told them that this was the day. My dad arrived first, then my mother. A neighbour came to check in on him inbetween. It didn’t look good. I knew this was his final day on earth. I called the vet, told them what was going on. They were really nice, they shuffled some appointments around and made room for a house-visit.
And so the vet arrived around four o’ clock in the afternoon… and by five I had lost my best friend.
My cat, he was there when I left elementary school, he was there when I graduated, he was there when I went to college, he was there when I got my first job. He was there for me when things were rough. He was there when we got bad news, he was there when we got good news. He was there when I thought I was all alone in the world, he was always there when I needed him to be there.
But now he’s gone.
He won’t be there when I need him to be there. He won’t share the good or the bad moments with me. He’s just not there anymore and it’s killing me on the inside. I know this day would come, but I had hoped we had a couple of more days, or weeks, or months.
So now I’m crying, I’ve been trying to hold it back, because I’m a guy, and guys aren’t supposed to cry. I know that’s bullshit, but still, I hate it when people see me cry, even my parents. It makes me feel like I’m four years old again. Right now I don’t really give a shit about what I look like. I’m crying and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m crying like there’s no tomorrow. My nose is runny, my eyes are red, I can’t say a whole sentence without breaking down. Hell, writing this down took me forever, because tears just keep getting in my way.
I miss him so much… I never thought it would hurt this much. It’s too damn hard and too damn fast, I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want to go to my parents tomorrow and not have him be there.
So yeah, to keep it sort of related to the webcomic… I’m not going to update untill after the weekend… because I’m way too emotional right now… here’s a rough sketch of my cat…
